The “Grand Portico Mansion Playhouse” is the Rolls-Royce of playhouses. According to its Amazon listing, the lavish piece is “hand-crafted by Amish in the USA.” The Little Cottage Company’s website states that the playhouse has a loft, 10 flower boxes, 22 working windows, and two doors (one for adults and another for children).
Unsurprisingly, Amazon reviewers couldn’t help but make fun of this “silver spoon” playhouse. One review, titled “buyer beware – no garage,” states, “my child loves the house, but where is the garage. Is my kid just supposed to park her Bentley GTC Rastar 6V Battery Powered Car in the street, with the rest of the mouth-breathers?”
Gabrielle gave the Portico Mansion five stars and said, “I bought a super crappy real house for the same price as this one and put this one inside. Inside of this house I put a dog house to create the turducken of real estate. I can’t explain the joy I feel coming home, then coming home again, then crawling into a dog house. Well worth the price!”
One of the most “helpful” comments was by a man who wrote, “I purchased this mansion about a month ago. Business is flourishing! My brothel has doubled in customers! My midgets were thrilled about their new work structure.”
A bourgeois reviewer wrote, “after a brisk round of golf, my 2 little darlings, Buffy and Preston just love having their friends over for tea in this fabulous playhouse. All of the neighbors are green with envy! Complaint: There is no side door for the ‘help’ and the butler to use. We can’t have Niles or the maid coming in the front door after all! Imagine the utter embarrassment!”
Apparently, it’s popular with pirates as well. One reviewer wrote, “I purchased mansion with my ill gotten deeds that I earned as a privateer in the Caribbean. Having swindled some old fool out of her inheritance, I placed the mansion on land fit for cotton growing. And it twas a mighty fine place to live out me days. Then, out of nowhere, a bunch of Yankees came charging down and burnt it to thee ground and made away with all me gold. I was truly gutted. I give this only 4 stars because it did manage to keep my bones dry when the weather turned for thee worse.”
A customer going by the moniker “MAK DADDY” had a different idea for the playhouse, writing, “all you peasants on here giving this to your children are really missing the point. This is THE perfect dog house! Why make your children play in this when you can just buy them their own full sized house and give this little mansion to your pooch?”
The questions for the playhouse were no less ridiculous. When a potential buyer asked if the doors lock, the response was, “we have our guard dogs and security guards stay in front of it so no need for locks.”