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Hannibal Buress had some some disturbingly depressing advice for the Class of 2017 in a commencement speech that aired on a recent episode of “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert.”

Buress kicked off the speech with some good ol’ fashioned pandering to the locals:

I’m so honored to be here in this city that your school happens to be in. It’s a great city in a beautiful state. Last night I stopped by the really hip local restaurant where all of you get your food from. I ordered that really popular item on the menu because I’m cultured, and that’s what Yelp told me to do.


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He then began to launch into the cliches:

“I will convey to you through a moving personal anecdote from my life. It will be a story that seems like it won’t be immediately relevant to you, and you’ll probably tune out for most of it, but by the end, it’ll have a really deep message,” said Buress, poking fun at the tired commencement speech formula. “It’s really gonna hit you. I swear, you’re gonna feel it. It’s gonna be so dope.”

Buress then spent a large chunk of the speech talking about the career trajectory of Martin Lawrence’s character in the sitcom “Martin” – “Martin’s working for the burger joint first, then he’s a mailman, then he started buffing floors, eventually he ended up working on a TV show, which he later ended up hosting because he persevered […] none of you will probably get that lucky”

He then wrapped up the speech with a soul-crushing newsflash. “Anyways, congrats and good luck. But just know it’s statistically impossible for all of you to succeed. That’s just life. So… good luck. Whatever. Thank you.”

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