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Below is an official memorandum from President Obama detailing his new Beer Goggle Foreign Policy Initiative.

September 13, 2013


SUBJECT: Beer-Goggle Foreign Policy Initiative To Take Effect Monday

Everyone knows about the beer-goggle effect. It’s when you have one too many drinks and suddenly find unattractive people attractive. That’s the reason behind Bill marrying Hillary, am I right? I kid, I kid.

Anyway, it turns out that the beer-goggle effect not only plays a part in how you perceive others, but also in how you perceive yourself. A group of prestigious researchers from France and the U.S. recently received an IG Nobel award for discovering that people find themselves considerably more attractive after downing copious amounts of booze.

I poured through this data for hours last night and then it hit me. If being drunk makes us feel more confident about our looks, why wouldn’t it make us feel more confident about our foreign-policy decisions?

So, from here on out, I am requiring that every member of the State Department be drunk at all times of the day in order to ensure that everyone is conducting foreign affairs to their best ability. Below is a hourly schedule of what alcohol intake should look like each day for the remainder of my term in office.

8:15-8:30          Beer shower. Three beers must be consumed during this time.

8:30-9:30          Pre-breakfast keg stands in Secretary Kerry’s office.

9:30-10:30        Breakfast. Mimosas will be served. A minimum of four must be consumed by all department members.

10:30-10:45      Breathalyzer test. Everyone will be required to blow a .15 or above.

11:00-12:00      Beer pong in my office. Losers do shots. Winners also do shots.

12:00-12:30      Lunch. Martinis to be served.

12:30-1:30        Shotgunning contest. Winner gets more beer.

2:30-3:00:         Vomit break.

3:00-3:30          Shots of Captain Morgan.

3:30-4:00          Vomit break.

4:00-4:30          Scotch pulls.

4:30-4:45          Breathalyzer test. Everyone will be required to blow a .3 or above.

5:00-6:30          Shots of whatever you can find.

6:30-7:30          Dinner. Bottle of wine must be finished by all employees.

7:30-Midnight     Rage time.

Now, you may be asking yourselves: “If we’re going to be drinking all day, how are we going to have time to conduct official White House business?” And to that I say one thing: personalized State Department flasks. I have taken it upon myself to order everyone in the State Department their very own flask for on-the-job consumption. I know that during your meetings with various diplomats you may be tempted to be courteous and offer them a sip from the flask, but this will not be tolerated. I need all staff members on their sloppiest behavior (I’m looking at you, John Kerry) so that everyone is performing their best.

I am confident this new initiative will particularly make this whole Syria thing more easy to deal with. Hell, the Russians are drunk all the time and look how they’ve been handling things. Let’s have fun with this, people. It’ll be like college all over again. Except this time the future of the country hangs in the balance.


P.S. Kegger at Reid’s place this Saturday.

Richard Thompson / Rare Staff |