Rare Humor

5 Onion headlines your humorless Facebook friends might confuse for real news

, Rare Staff

Posted on

Most of you probably realize at this point in your Internet-searching career that the news reported by The Onion is 100% satire.

But there a few unfortunate souls out there who aren’t aware of this and practically blow a gasket when they see a seemingly offensive Onion piece posted on their Facebook page.

Here are five actual Onion headlines that your out-of-the-loop Facebook friends might mistake as real news.

Obama Admits U.S. Hasn’t Been The Same Since Buddy Holly Died

Saying that the time was right to come to terms with a difficult and enduring chapter in America’s history, President Obama admitted during his State of the Union address Tuesday night that the United States “just hasn’t been the same” since the death of music legend Buddy Holly.

After beginning his speech by touting several political and economic accomplishments realized during his most recent year in office, a wistful and visibly saddened Obama abruptly turned his attention to the death of Buddy Holly, spending the majority of the speech discussing the brighter, better years prior to the 22-year-old rock and roll pioneer’s sudden passing in a plane crash in 1959, and repeatedly stating that America would “likely never again see” such simple, prosperous times again.

The president has said some pretty ridiculous stuff in his day, but come on people! He probably doesn’t even know who Buddy Holly is.

New Study Shows That Bones Are Incredibly Cool

To be fair, there are a lot of pretty stupid studies out there.

Al-Qaeda Operative Can’t Believe How Expensive Super Bowl Tickets Are

According to high-ranking al-Qaeda sources, local operative Fasad al-Hashimi reportedly expressed disbelief Thursday over the exorbitant price of Super Bowl tickets, complaining that even the cheapest seats were listing at nearly $2,000. “I can’t imagine anybody wanting to go to this game more than me, but these prices are ridiculous,” said al-Hashimi, adding that only powerful corporate executives and wealthy celebrities could afford to attend the NFL championship game.

Everyone knows that al-Qaeda operatives are baseball fans.

Report: Everyone You’ve Ever Had A Crush On Secretly Had A Crush On You, They Still Do, And They’re Waiting For You

A comprehensive report released this week by researchers at Stanford University affirmed that everyone you’ve ever had a crush on in your entire life also secretly had a deep crush on you, they continue to hold these strong, unreconciled feelings, and they are out there right now, just waiting for you to get in touch with them.

According to the study, which analyzed the behavioral patterns and personal histories of both you and anyone you’ve been attracted to at any point in your life, every human being you’ve ever daydreamed about being with—from your grade school crush, to that upperclassman in your college English class, to your old coworker—has quietly shared the same feelings, which they still have to this day, and are willing to drop everything on a moment’s notice for the chance at spending the rest of their life with you.

You wish.

New Dating Website Helps Plus-Size Jewish Plane Crash Survivors Find Love

With its promise to help users “find that special someone,” the new dating website jcrashplus.com launched earlier this month, inviting all single Hebraic peoples with a BMI above 25 who have lived through an airline crash to start a free trial membership. “Since I joined JCrashPlus, I’ve already been on three dates with Jewish girls over 200 pounds who escaped from smoke-filled aircraft cabins via an emergency slide. I couldn’t be happier,” Brooklyn, NY resident Josh Green said of the website, which allows members to filter their search for Orthodox, Conservative, or Reform Judaism, cause of crash, and most frequent late-night snack craving.

Well, this might actually be true.

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