Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. You’re depressingly single, so you’ve resigned yourself to having an absolutely terrible time.
But cheer up, you sad sack! There’s still hope for you to have a good time even if you don’t have someone to share it with. You’re a strong, independent man/woman who don’t need no woman/man in your life. Just do you!
Just kidding. Tomorrow is definitely going to be the worst day of your life. Might as well accept it. Now that you know that, here are five things for you to do tomorrow while wallowing in your sadness.
5. Get really drunk and watch your favorite Lifetime Original Movie. Cry afterwards.
4. Get really drunk and stalk your ex. Notice that they seem to have reached a much greater sense of fulfillment without you in their life. Cry afterwards.
3. Get really drunk. Write a letter to your cat expressing your undying love for it. Get rejected. Cry afterwards.
2. Get really drunk and start an OKCupid profile. Find the love of your life. Meet them at your favorite restaurant for dinner and drinks. Get more drunk. Have a really great time. Everything seems to be looking up. Maybe Valentine’s Day won’t be that bad after all. Get back to your place. Kiss good night. Fireworks. Get a letter in the mail a couple days later from your date. Find out the person you thought was your soulmate is actually your long-lost sibling. Cry afterwards.
1. Get really drunk. Stub your toe. Cry deep, powerful sobs afterwards.
Happy Valentine’s Day!