Rare Humor

8 things the NFL will probably get rid of next

In an attempt to emasculate America’s most cherished pastime, the fun-suckers over at the National Football League have taken it upon themselves to prohibit players from using profanity, expanding the existing taunting penalty to include obscene language directed toward individual players.

Trash talking and taunting have been integral parts of football since the sport’s conception and are what make it so exciting to watch. Now it seems like the NFL is heading down a slippery slope where every facet that people find enjoyable about football is being systematically eliminated.

Here are eight things that, given the direction that the NFL is headed, wouldn’t be surprising for the league to remove from future games:

1. Cheerleaders

Everyone likes to watch cheerleaders do their thing. So, naturally, the NFL would need to get rid of them.

2. Tackling


Two-hand touch would of course be the safer alternative. Wouldn’t want anyone to get a boo-boo.

3. The forward pass


Because passes sometimes require running long distances down field. Not only would this be a safety issue, but would also require referees to make challenging calls. Clearly, the pass would have to go. Certain running plays would also require extra scrutiny.

4. Halftime pep talk


Players must be mellow and reserved at all times.

5. Crowd participation


The NFL senses that you’re having fun. Stop it this instant.

6. Celebrating after a win


Seriously, you’re having too much fun. What do you think this is, the National Fun League?

7. Disagreeing with a call


Both players and coaches will politely agree with all calls made by the referees. Why? Because the NFL says so.

8. Showing any sort of emotion in any way whatsoever before, during, or after a game


Oh, you thought this was America?

Richard Thompson is an editorial intern at Rare. Follow him on Twitter @RThompson_91.