Hi, I’m Carlos Danger and I’m running hard for mayor of New York City. Our city and our country face many challenges. Jobs are scarce. Finances are shaky. Our infrastructure is crumbling. People are uncertain about the future. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Today I am releasing a five point platform to keep New York City the greatest city in the world, for you, and for Carlos Danger. Together we can pull this off.
1. The world’s greatest city needs the world’s greatest communications infrastructure. That is why I am calling for free, city-wide, high speed internet service. I want people to be able to go online any time, anywhere, whenever the mood might strike them. I want them to have unlimited access to the services they prefer, whether they are chat rooms, Facebook, Skype (particularly video), or whatever works for them. Your option. And I want them to be able contact me 24 hours a day, particularly 1-3 a.m. But not at the office, OK?
2. For people to get ahead in this country they need to be able to connect with opportunities. To this end I am backing a plan to provide free smart phones with unlimited texting to every New Yorker who wants one. This will allow young people to set up job interviews and lead productive, fulfilling, exciting lives in the city. I want these phones to have the latest high-definition cameras, with video capability too if possible. Like I said, Skype, or G+ video chat, that works. I’m sure somehow cameras will help with the whole job thing.
3. Like the rest of the country, our city is facing an obesity epidemic. Exercise and nutrition are key to fighting this dangerous health crisis. As your mayor I will seek incentives for businesses to allow employees to take time off for daily exercise. I want to see young New Yorkers out there every day, running, stretching, lifting, jumping, whatever. Maybe have some outdoor yoga going on. Exercise and toning is something I feel strongly about – you’ve seen the pictures — and I look forward personally to handling this initiative.
4. As a family man, I understand the importance of strong marriages and the challenges people face in keeping them going. I know that without the love, support and periodic public statements from my wife, I would be just another skeevy former Congressman trying to make a buck. One of my first acts as mayor will be to declare a city-wide “Honoring Our Partners” day. It will be a day for husbands, wives, and partners of all kinds to take time to honor those who, in many cases, mean the most to them. I will also start a city-based initiative for strengthening family bonds and ensuring that marriages that can possibly be saved are kept together. You know, for the kids.
5. Finally, recent revelations of government internet surveillance have highlighted the challenges of maintaining personal privacy in the digital age. As mayor I will spearhead a task force to come up with suggestions to ensure that our privacy is protected, and that your communications are shielded from journalists, investigators, tipsters, and other lowlifes. Maybe some kind of encryption, maybe something that automatically deletes files like Snapchat, but better, and making that mandatory, something like that. Not sure yet. In the meantime all I can say is use a little common sense. And don’t jam each other up. When gossip web sites contact you, just ignore them. You don’t want that exposure, believe me. Plus it’s a two way street, you never know what stuff you sent might get out there. Just saying.
I’m Carlos Danger and I approve this message. But if you would delete some of my other messages I would appreciate it.
Carlos Danger is a Democratic candidate for Mayor of New York City
See also on Rare