I was doing some early Christmas shopping this weekend when I discovered the most disturbing holiday gift since the John Wayne Gacy clown make-up kit. Under the tree at one of my favorite stores was a Che Guevara plush doll.
Offered for sale by a company called the Unemployed Philosopher’s Guild, the doll is part of their “Little Thinkers” series and includes dolls of such notables as Edgar Allen Poe, Kurt Vonnegut and Andy Warhol. I’m assuming labeling Che Guevara a “little thinker” is not meant to be a joke.
I picked up the doll and started to take it to the store manager to register a complaint about selling a stuffed replica of the man known to many Cuban-Americans as the Butcher of La Cabana – responsible for the summary execution of hundreds, if not thousands, of their fellow countrymen following Fidel Castro’s rise to power.
Was the next in “the Contemporary Executioners Series” to include Pol Pot, Hitler and Idi Amin?
Then I started to think about the irony of some ingenious business owner making a buck off the left’s most revolutionary anti-capitalistic symbol. I paused and, instead of complaining, I bought the Che Guevara doll and took it home to my daughter.
And that’s when the trouble began.
Immediately upon placing the Che Guevara doll in my daughter’s bedroom, he began organizing the Ken dolls and executing any toy not willing to reject individualism in favor of a collective Marxist ideology. Within hours Mr. Potato Head, Elmo and My Little Pony were all dead.
By the end of the day, the Che Guevara doll and his thugs had taken over the Playskool Farm, kicked all the Wee Pals off the set and gave it to the Weebles to subdivide. To make matters worse, he knocked-up Barbie and then ran off to live with Skipper.
By the end of the day, my daughter’s room looked like a Bolivian jungle. The soundtrack from Evita blared throughout the house. Oompa Loompas wearing red berets gathered in one corner reciting Pablo Neruda poetry.
To end the madness, I hired Black Ops GI Joe to go into my daughter’s room and capture Che. Too bad the Little Thinker didn’t have a string that allowed it to utter the real Che’s cowardly last words, “Do not shoot! I am Che Guevara and I am worth more to you alive than dead.”
A short history of Ernesto Che Guevara: