Rare Humor

Comedy writer trolls Christian fundamentalists with fake petition

, Rare Staff

Posted on

Jesse Alkire thinks shellfish are “an abomination unto God.” And he wants everyone to know it.

The comedy writer took to Change.org to create a petition poking fun at the reasoning of Christian fundamentalists in light of the Hobby Lobby Supreme Court decision.

From Change.org:

Stop serving shellfish, be right unto God

The Bible clearly says that shellfish is an abomination unto God. The following passage states:

Leviticus 11:10 — But anything in the seas or the rivers that has not fins and scales, of the swarming creatures in the waters and of the living creatures that are in the waters, is detestable to you.

If the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. recklessly chooses to go against the wishes of our Lord, then we as Christians can stand against the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., as is our right as AMERICANS but most importantly CHRISTIANS.

The Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. openly proliferates the seafood lifestyle, which is unnatural and dirty, as stated by the Bible. If the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. continues to flaunt their immoral “values” while making a mockery of this country’s CHRISTIAN beliefs, then we can choose to not do business with them, because we as CHRISTIANS will NEVER be forced to support something we don’t believe in.

To:
Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.
Stop serving shellfish, for what you do is unnatural, immoral, and an affront to God.

Sincerely,
[Your name]

Garnering a whopping 10 signatures, the petition was inspired by Tim Heidecker of comedy team Tim and Eric.

Editor’s Note: A previous edition of the story “incorrectly” noted that Tim Heidecker was the former Editor-In-Chief of Rolling Stone, as is sarcastically stated in his Twitter bio. The reference was intended as a joke, not actual fact.

(h/t Laughspin)

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