Rare Humor

SATIRE: Is holiday pressure becoming too much for turkeys?

, Rare Staff

Posted on

With less than a week until Thanksgiving, poultry manufacturer Butterball is experiencing a serious turkey problem. Normally around 16 pounds per turkey, this year’s flock is having difficulty putting on weight in time for the holidays.

“Our turkeys simply won’t eat,” one Butterball spokesman said. “During feeding time, I’ve caught several of our prized birds wandering aimlessly with drooped heads behind the coop. It’s very discouraging.”

The cause of Butterball’s turkey-exia is shrouded in mystery, yet there are several speculations as to why the poor poultry refuse to pack on pounds for Thanksgiving.

Many experts point to lethargy and even depression as a root cause of turkey malnourishment.

“Tryptophan, most commonly associated with humans’ over-consumption of turkey meat can also directly affect the animals themselves,” renown turkey psychologist P.L. Grim said. “It generally causes them to lose interest in most of their favorite activities, such as eating and gobbling.”

Grim also made the case that the recent Obamacare campaign was a primary factor behind the turkeys’ discontent.

“In the scientific community, we call it ‘stuffing shock,'” Grim said. “Ever since President Obama encouraged families to discuss Obamacare over Thanksgiving, many turkeys reported increased levels of depression and even feelings of resentment and hostility.”

“It’s like we don’t even matter,” said one turkey, who wished to remain anonymous. “I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I feel like a piece of meat.”

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