Rare Humor

Shocking revelation: NSA spied on Jesus Christ

, Rare Staff

Posted on

After shocking reports of the National Security Agency’s surveillance of Pope Francis, new information reveals that the the agency spied on the son of God during his time on Earth.

Rare has obtained exclusive testimony from a source deep within the NSA detailing explicit monitoring of Jesus Christ.

“Name the event, we had guys on the inside,” the source said.  “The Sermon on the Mount? We had it. The Last Supper? You bet.”

Keeping tabs on the founder of Christianity may seem like a strange way for the NSA to spend its resources, but the source explained the agency’s rationale.

“The subject’s association with tax collectors and sinners was something we needed to keep an eye on. Also, his ‘do-unto-others-what-you-would-have-them-do-unto-you’ mentality was considered a major threat at the time,” the source explained.

The source also confirmed that the NSA had undercover agents deep within Christ’s inner circle and that it was also targeting those closely associated with the miracle worker.

“Judas? Yes, he was one of ours. He provided us valuable information into all of the subject’s comings and goings,” the source said. “We weren’t just keeping tabs on the apostles, but on apostles of the apostles’ apostles. We were everywhere at all times. Omnipresent, you might say.”

The former agent suggested that potential leaks were a major problem throughout the course of the operation and that its top secret status was nearly compromised several times.

“You think turning water into wine was a miracle? Try spying on a guy who knows everything and whose father created the universe. It was no easy task to keep the operation under wraps.”

When asked whether tracking of the former carpenter from Nazareth is still ongoing, the source refused to comment.

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