Article will continue after advertisement

The U.S. Senate under Majority Leader Harry Reid couldn’t pass a budget in four years but just rammed through a very consequential 1,200-page immigration bill without anybody in the chamber reading it first. Impressive work, fellas. While the biggest joke is obviously the Senate itself, here are seven lesser zingers about that august body to finish off the work week:

  • “Earlier this week, the Senate voted 97-to-0 for tougher regulations. For example, when corporations buy a senator, they must now get a receipt.” – Jay Leno
  • “Politicians having sex with prostitutes? What’s the matter? All of a sudden, congressional pages aren’t good enough anymore?” – David Letterman

  • “How much do you think senators make? They now make $154,700 a year. But they say it will stimulate the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to the liquor stores, the hookers, the brothels … then it will get back in the community.” —Jay Leno, on Congress voting itself a pay raise
  • “Some scholars have argued [that] the Constitution clearly states only Congress can declare war, and they are not allowed to simply delegate that authority to the president. However, you can get around that with the legal technique of taking the word ‘constitution’ and adding the word ‘shmonstitution’ to the end of it.” – Jon Stewart
  • “Vermont Senator James Jeffords is being called a hero today after he chased down a teenager who stole a wallet from his daughter-in-law on Capitol Hill. How fat are our kids getting when they’re being run down by 68-year-old senators. … At one point Jeffords yelled out ‘Stop thief’ and 200 congressmen froze.” – Jay Leno
  • “Last night, down in Washington, D.C., they had an all-night Senate session. The senators were there all night. It was the D.C. madam’s slowest night ever.” – David Letterman
  • “Here’s an interesting figure: 43 percent of the incoming congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats.” – Jay Leno

Brett M. Decker is Editor-in-Chief of Rare. Follow him on Twitter @brettmdecker

by Brett M. Decker |