The Hallmark Channel has announced 34 new film versions of the age-old tale of a person coming home to their impossibly pristine, somehow redneck-free small town and abandoning the high-paying careers they’ve worked so hard to obtain, because Christmas.
Yeah, that’s right, there are going to be thirty-four new Hallmark Christmas movies released this year. It’s unclear how that’s even possible. That’s a level of prolific filmmaking that even Tyler Perry can’t comprehend. Thanks to their holiday movies, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries is now California’s number one job creator. Granted, all those jobs only last a month (the amount of time it takes to write, film, and edit these movies), and they only pay $500 plus whatever you can carry home with you from craft services, but a job is a job, dammit!
So prepare yourselves for a whole lot more of Candace Cameron Bure, Lacey Chabert, Jesse Metcalf, Lori Loughlin, and Dylan Neal! Not only is Hallmark dumping a sleighful of adult suburban Christmas pageants on us, but their yearly Countdown to Christmas begins on October 27th, four days before Halloween. That’s how many original Christmas movies they have lined up. They can’t even wait for Halloween to be over.
New Hallmark Christmas movies include such titles as Christmas Reunited, Miracles of Christmas, Mingle all the Way, Christmas at Pemberley Manor, Christmas on Honeysuckle Lane, Return to Christmas Creek, Christmas at Graceland, and Christmas in Love. The films will also star the likes of Jodie Sweetin, Nikki Deloach, Kellie Pickler, Alicia Witt, and Jen Lilley.
It’s unclear how the Hallmark Channel is going to top this next holiday season (or if they even can) but however many gingerbread men they have railing lines of sugar and banging out Christmas movie scripts, they’re going to have to double it.