The Hallmark Channel has announced 34 new film versions of the age-old tale of a person coming home to their impossibly pristine, somehow redneck-free small town and abandoning the high-paying careers they’ve worked so hard to obtain, because Christmas.
Yeah, that’s right, there are going to be thirty-four new Hallmark Christmas movies released this year. It’s unclear how that’s even possible. That’s a level of prolific filmmaking that even Tyler Perry can’t comprehend. Thanks to their holiday movies, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries is now California’s number one job creator. Granted, all those jobs only last a month (the amount of time it takes to write, film, and edit these movies), and they only pay $500 plus whatever you can carry home with you from craft services, but a job is a job, dammit!
So prepare yourselves for a whole lot more of Candace Cameron Bure, Lacey Chabert, Jesse Metcalf, Lori Loughlin, and Dylan Neal! Not only is Hallmark dumping a sleighful of adult suburban Christmas pageants on us, but their yearly Countdown to Christmas begins on October 27th, four days before Halloween. That’s how many original Christmas movies they have lined up. They can’t even wait for Halloween to be over to drown up in their new Christmas movies.
Here’s the full schedule. All original holiday movies begin at 8pm/7c.
- October 27 – Christmas at Pemberley Manor
- November 3 – Christmas Joy
- November 4 – Road to Christmas
- November 10 – It’s Christmas, Eve
- November 11 -Christmas in Love
- November 17 – Christmas at Graceland
- November 18 – Christmas in Evergreen: Letters to Santa
- November 21 – Christmas at Grand Valley
- November 22 – Christmas at the Palace
- November 23 – Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe
- November 24 – Christmas Everlasting
- November 25 – A Shoe Addict’s Christmas
- December 1 -Mingle All the Way
- December 2 – A Majestic Christmas
- December 8 – Homegrown Christmas
- December 9 – Christmas Wonderland
- December 15 – A Gingerbread Romance
- December 16 – Entertaining Christmas
- December 22 – Jingle Around the Clock
- December 23 – Christmas Made to Order
- December 25 – When Calls the Heart Christmas
- December 29 – A Midnight Kiss
New Hallmark holiday movies include such titles as Christmas Reunited, Miracles of Christmas, Mingle all the Way, Christmas at Pemberley Manor, Christmas on Honeysuckle Lane, Return to Christmas Creek, Christmas at Graceland, and Christmas in Love. The films will also star the likes of Jodie Sweetin, Kellie Martin, Nikki Deloach, Kellie Pickler, Alicia Witt, Danica McKellar and Jen Lilley.
It’s unclear how the Hallmark Channel is going to top this next holiday season (or if they even can) but however many gingerbread men they have railing lines of sugar and banging out Christmas movie scripts, they’re going to have to double it to get these new holiday movies out.