Advice from a Black Friday retail worker

Black Friday is here.

Holiday retail is war, and standing on the front lines of this war are the staff of your favorite outlet. I am among them. We aren’t just employees, we’re soldiers that have been preparing for this battle for months. When the doors open, and you trample over a weaker, inferior competitor for that new Twerkin’ Me Elmo or whatever toy you’ll forget about in a couple years, it is we that hold the keys to your great Christmas.

We are Santa’s gatekeepers, and we are ready for battle.

Still, there are things that we holiday retail employees would like you to remember so that both employee and shopper can have the smoothest experience possible. Here are some things you need to know!

Doors Open:

I’ll preface this with telling you that people have died during the stampede after a poor, hapless employee simply unlocked a door. Keep it clean and orderly, you can rush when you’re in the clear. When going through the door, pushing, climbing, and being violent in general get’s people hurt and can ruin not just the holidays, but lives. I hate that I have to even write this. Remember, your gift is not worth someone’s safety.

The Backroom:

Chances are, if we’ve run out of the product you want, we don’t have any more in the back. We have employees working hard to keep that product available on the shelf, and if you don’t see it anymore, we don’t have anymore. Asking us to check in the back is a futile effort. It wastes the employees time, and prevents him/her from doing something more productive to help deal with the holiday scramble. As the webcomic Penny Arcade puts it, it’s not a magical land of infinite products where your gift grows on a magical gift tree. If we’re out, no amount of back room checks and re-checks is going to make one appear.

The Phone:

Few things are more annoying than the sound of a phone ringing while we’re dealing with customers like the Space Marine on the cover of Doom.

When you call, keep your questions quick and concise. Nothing makes us want to reach through the phone more than a caller who is the equivalent of the slow driver in the fast lane. Also, Try not to ask questions you can easily learn by looking online. Want to know if we have a popular item in stock? Chances are the answer is yes if the day is really early, later on the answer is almost a guaranteed no. If the answer is no, just say thanks and hang up. Don’t lament to us about your bad luck, we don’t have the time.

Remember, smaller stores don’t have the luxury of larger of a larger staff most larger stores do. A phone call can really gum up the works. Keep calls quick, and keep them simple.

Checks:

Are you pulling out your checkbook right now? Get out, and go back to the land before time where you came from. Pouring molasses into our jet fuel…what’s wrong with you?

Don’t Waste Your/Our Time:

On Black Friday this is an unforgivable sin. I used to sell camera’s for a living, and one thing customers sometimes did is come in, have me take time explaining the product, showing it, etc etc…only to have the customer tell me they just needed the info and promptly leave. First off, you’re a horrible person if you do this, because you just wasted not just the employee’s time (especially if he/she works on commission), but the other customer’s time. Shame on you. We’re currently petitioning the Devil to open up a circle of hell just for you, right next to child molesters and people who talk at the theatre. COME IN WITH THE INTENTION TO BUY, NOT LEARN. Word of advice: Do your research before Black Friday.

Get Off Your Phone:

Don’t make me repeat myself several times because you were too busy concentrating on the voice in your iPhone, or confuse me because I can’t tell if you’re talking to them or me. It’s rude, it’s annoying, and it’s going to hamper your ability to get the Black Friday deals I ring up for you. If you don’t have the time to deal with us, we won’t put in the effort to deal with you.

Added Bonus: If you’re that person that plays music through your iPhone speaker in your back pocket while we’re trying to talk to customers, we will ask you to step outside where a very large burly man will perform a magical disappearing act with your phone, using your rear as a volunteer. It’s a definite crowd pleaser.

Be Kind:

I can’t count how many times a good natured customer has made me want to go above and beyond to help them by just being a nice and understanding person. My fellow employees are the same. On the flip side, if you come at us like the Tasmanian Devil, we will go above and beyond to simply get you out of the store. There’s a drastic difference between being helped, and being appeased.

Being angry forces us to deal with your attitude, not your needs. Keep that in mind when you feel your blood start to get a little hot because you’re tired or frustrated. All you are, is patient zero for a disease. Not only does it effect the employee you deal with, it affects the other employees, and the customers they work with. Yes, bad attitudes are inevitable, but a bit of kindness goes a very long way for your shopping experience, and very possibly your wallet.

Finally, It’s About Speed:

Black Friday is the one time of year when even the most out of shape of us run a marathon. All of my points above can be summed up here. This is a day of speed. You want to get there early, get your product fast, and get to the next outlet before the product you want runs dry. The faster the customer, the better the deal. My advice is as follows.

• Know what you want beforehand. Black Friday is not a shopping run, this is a buying run. Looking around costs time and money.
• Use card over all other methods of currency transactions. A simple swipe of the card will get you in and out much faster than me having to count your money and then count your change.
• If you can buy it online, buy it online. It will eliminate half your shopping list, and half our headache.
• Remember that even asking us little things on this day will take a little longer. Even a price check requires the use of a register. Most stores only have 3, and they’re busy ringing up the hoard.
• Be attentive. We’re going to rapid fire questions at you to help you with your shopping experience.