Chicago is a town of strong choices and thoughts. And some of those thoughts er…opinions – are better left in your cold noggin aaaaaaand not spread out on the Thanksgiving table. So without further ado, we have crafted – from scratch – Chicago topics to leave in your high rise this week…
No calling dibs on your place at the table. Can you not? What are you going to do next — throw a plastic lawn chair in the middle of Aunt Jackie’s lace table runner and eye everyone down? So what if you’re at the kid’s table AGAIN this year — I mean, do you know FER SURE if you filed your taxes correctly this year? That’s what I thought.
On Thanksgiving day only — do your best NOT correct your cousins from the burbs when they claim the Chicago label. Just let them have this — this one time. They need it more than you. Seriously. They’re from Morris.
Don’t get your aunt started on how [to her] every deep-dish pizza tastes the same. You’ll be debating all night and let’s be honest – will it even be a fair fight? Besides, between the ages of 40 and 50, your taste buds begin to weaken. So. It’s probably science’s fault.
Just don’t mention the Cubs’ late to the game winning streak with your religiously White Sox-loving uncle. because I am sorry – but do you have a death wish? Let Uncle Barry be. You know who won the World Series last year. You have limited release tee. Settle.
Sharing in detail all the sights, smells and people you’ve experienced on the CTA. They call it the CTA for a reason: Cite Totally Anything-but-what-you-saw-on-the-CTA-for-the-sake-of-others-and-yourself-push-those-memories-deep-deep-deep-deep-down.
Taxes. Wherever you are, they will get you. So as my grandfather says: “Quitch yer b—–n!”
Any whispers of Rahm. because politics are politics and while we are here — let’s be honest: can you really trust the man who thinks the ginger ale your grandmother swears by for her stellar punch should be .30 more cents than it usually is in the name of keeping Chicagoans “healthy” amidst a HUGE Illinois debt crisis?! CONVENIENT. We see you Rahm. We see you. But we don’t need to talk about it on Thanksgiving. A day where we are grateful for our Grandmother’s delicious punch – no matter what the cost.
The Lucas Museum. UGH yes, WE KNOW, DAD. You ALMOST planned a family vacation when you heard George FREAKIN’ Lucas was going to have his own museum – but now he’s not – and you are still salty. HOW DO YOU THINK WE FEEL?! WE ACTUALLY GO HERE!!!
Even if the conversation gets awkward between you and your significant other’s one relative you have no idea how to talk to – no one wants to hear about “this one time in Wrigleyville”. Stop. Now. Right. Now. GAWD. You are not that important. Talk about their tie.
The bleeping new form your improv team is working on. Your family still has no idea what you do. They still think your dinners consist of Cup-O-Soups and on laundry days — you have no clue where to buy detergent. TALK ABOUT THEIR TIE DANGNABBIT.
Referring to blizzards that happen in Chicago as “Chi-beria” or “That One Polar Vortex” or “That’s the Windy City for ya!” . We get it, you live in the midwest, join the rest of most of the country. Snow sucks. Buy some Sorels. Oprah approved them – and she didn’t die of Chicago’s weather.
Complaining with “UGH I don’t know why I live here – I just want to go to the beach!” . […] yea, no I LOVE this bio-polar weather too HOLLY [reads sarcastically] if you can’t beat it – then leave.
Saying you don’t mind ketchup on a hot dog. Go. Just get out. BYE FELECIA.