Finding the perfect Father’s Day gift is basically impossible since the search usually begins with declarations of, “Aw, I don’t need anything.”
It’s especially hard if your dad is from Texas. If you’re still searching for the perfect gift, here’s a helpful guide about what not to do.
Barbecue Scented Soaps and Candles
We're excited to introduce our new line of barbecue-scented soap and cologne! Available soon. pic.twitter.com/UjTnlowbWn— RibCrib (@RibCrib) April 1, 2014
Your dad loves barbecue, but you can never seem to please him when you buy him those prepackaged gift marinades and sauces. Dad knows more than you do, and the look on his face says, “I wonder if my wife will let me throw these away when the kids leave.”
The answer to this conundrum is NOT getting him barbecue-scented soaps or candles. I’m not sure who these products would be for (the bathroom at a steakhouse??), but it’s certainly not your Texas dad. Move along, cowpoke.
Clint Eastwood Cowboy Hat
This hat is a trick. Your Texas dad does not want ironic nostalgia cowboy hats – no matter how many times you secretly laugh to yourself after you spotted it. Sure, he’s probably seen at least one Clint Eastwood movie, and yeah, that’s a cowboy hat. Cowboy hat + Texas = Gold, right?
Wrong. Get dad a real hat.
A Tiny Outdoor Grill
Texas dads have a reputation for their grilling expertise, but that doesn’t mean that just any grill will do. Those tiny grills are for northerners and people who don’t know how to really cook a steak. Everything’s bigger in Texas, and that includes our barbecue pits. So, even if you’re eyeing that tiny grill thinking that dad needs a travel option, just walk away. If he needs to grill on the road, he’ll just tow the main grill. They’re probably street legal in Texas.
“World’s Okayest Dad” Shirt
Not only is everything bigger in Texas, but it’s also better. Your dad can’t simply be okay. He’s can’t be average or even just good. He is the greatest dad. A rad dad. The “World’s Best Dad” – just like all of the other dad’s in Texas.
“Come and Take It” Fidget Spinner
This informal Texas motto really is on any product that you could possibly want, apparently. (Except maybe tampons, but you weren’t going to get those for dad anyway.) Fidget spinners are trendy, and your dad doesn’t have one, so maybe this gift could get a chuckle out of him.
It won’t. Good luck trying to explain fidget spinners to your dad without getting a dad speech.
Haagen Dazs Ice Cream
Maybe you decide to just get dad some food. You can’t go wrong with a yummy treat. It’s top shelf for dad, so you pull out a container or two of Haagen Dazs and head to the register. You just know that when you show dad your thoughtful gift, he’s finally going to love your Father’s Day present.
Your dad is going to look right past that Haagen Dazs to find the Blue Bell. Be serious.
Panic sets in, and you decide to show dad you love him by making him cookies. If you bake for him, he has to like it. There’s a universal dad rule about that. Regular cookies just don’t seem special, though. It’s Texas, so you decide to get creative. After hours of feverish baking and a questionable late-night purchase from Amazon, you’re finally able to give dad your gift.
Oh, he’ll pretend to like the cowboy cookies. He’ll smile, and hold them up. “Oh, it’s a cowboy hat! That’s…something,” he’ll mumble. But his face is screaming, “Is this what they think of me? Is this who I am to my children??” Don’t do this to him.
Ah, the tie. The safe haven of dad gifts. Even if you haven’t seen your dad wear a tie once in your entire life, somehow Father’s Day casts a magic spell over ties and makes them an appropriate gift for all dads. Sadly, this is your dad’s 30th gift tie, and you have run out of classic colors and patterns. Perhaps, a fun, cattle-themed print would be great for your Texas dad?
Sure. This one makes sense. He’ll love that cow tie.