Alan Thicke’s widow gets emotional reflecting on the heartbreaking loss nearly a year later

Alan Thicke, left, andTanya Callau arrive at the 15th Annual DesignCare on Saturday, July 27, 2013 in Malibu, Calif. (Photo by Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP)

Videos by Rare

Videos by Rare

Almost a year after his tragic passing, Alan Thicke’s widow is opening up about how she dealt with the sudden loss.

“I’m ashamed to admit it, but at one point I didn’t want to live – I really didn’t,” Tanya Callau tearfully told “Access Hollywood.” “If I didn’t have my family and my friends to listen to me and to hold my hand and to give me the love, the nurturing that I needed, I wouldn’t be standing here in front of you right now.”

The actress and model then recalled the fateful day in December of last year when Thicke suffered a heart attack while playing hockey with his 19-year-old son. Carter.

RELATED: Robin Thicke shares a retro photo of his late father Alan and mom Gloria “looking golden” on Instagram

“We spoke that morning. He woke up that morning and kissed my leg. He used to kiss whatever body part was sticking out of the sheets,” she remembered. “I got a phone call from him in the hockey rink – he’s there dressing up, getting ready to play hockey – and he’s like, ‘Honey, I’ll be home between six and seven. How about some chicken tonight with extra gravy and lots of TV and a little sex?’ I was like, ‘Deal! I’ll see you at six.'”

“I started preparing to go to the market, and then I get the phone call that something’s wrong with Alan, that I had to drive down to LA,” she continued. “When I saw her standing there, my heart sank, and I remember dropping my water bottle, and my heart sank to my stomach. The doctors, they were explaining what happened to him, and I’m listening, and he said, ‘I’m sorry to tell you Mrs. Thicke, but your husband has expired.’ And I was like, ‘What?!'”

RELATED: Alan Thicke’s widow thanks her “angel” and wishes her stepsons well after a win in court

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