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Coyote Vest Twitter/@Drrramina

I have two small dogs with my girlfriend. One is a chihuahua-pug mix that is currently 16 weeks old and a little over 5 pounds. He’s maybe the cutest and sweetest dog I’ve ever seen. He’s also, size-wise, the hawk’s equivalent of a Pizza Hut Big Dinner Box: definitely more food than it needs to pick up, but appetizing and, worst case scenario, an overly filling meal that leaves a whole lot of leftovers. I will never let that thing run around a park or ranch off leash. It will get whisked away to an unimaginably painful, Jurrasic Park-esque death faster than you can scream, “OH JESUS CHRIST NO!”

We live in an apartment right now, but from time to time we visit her dad, who lives outside of Dallas and has a large backyard that bobcats have been spotted in. There are almost certainly coyotes ’round those parts as well, along with hawks, foxes, owls, and some mean ass turtles and geese living in the pond nearby. Our small dogs — those tiny, sweet, slaps in the face to Darwinism — would have as much chance of surviving coyote attack as I would at living through standing naked in a field next to a tornado that’s ripping apart a farmer’s sickle shed and tossing its contents my way. Unless they have protection.

As Americans further encroach on the habitats of coyotes, bobcats, foxes, birds of prey, and everything that lives in Florida, our sentient teddy bears are in increasing danger of becoming a meal. Unlike us, the coyotes aren’t being figurative when they see small dogs and think, “They’re just so cute I could eat them up.” They’re quite serious, and tired of scavenging through Hungry Man dinners in divorcee apartment complex dumpsters.

Enter the Coyote Vest. I’d never heard of this until today, but apparently, it’s body armor for dogs. The Coyote Vest is made from stab-resistant kevlar that can withstand bites from sharp canine teeth — coyotes, foxes, bigger dogs, etc. It will also turn your Corgi into a Mad Max villain. The dog vest has a flexible collar that fits around pretty much any little dog’s neck and comes with spikes on the collar to make biting your dog as terrible as biting down on a Dorito that has shifted, unbeknownst to you, to a vertical position inside your mouth.

If the layers of Kevlar aren’t enough, you can add spikes to run along the dog’s back. Coyote whiskers, which are bright nylon bristles that irritate the attacking animal, can also be added to the Coyote Vest to further make your dog impervious to the totally natural and objectively understandable — but still evil! — urges of wild predators. (Go eat a squirrel you monsters. You leave D’Artagnan and Mr. Scruffles alone!)

I don’t mean to be alarmist, but given enough time something is going to pop out of a bush, try to rip open your small dog, and eat it alive. A Coyote Vest is the best protection against it, and the best way to bring you peace of mind.

You can get it here.

Though, if it were me, I’d add a few features. A pressure enabled electric shock to electrocute anything that bites the dog. An artificial intelligence manned crossbow that sits on a turret on the dog’s back would be good too. And most important of all, a pre-recorded script of secrets about and personal threats directed towards the boys in your neighborhood most likely to kidnap, torture, or hurt an innocent dog, and activated upon said boy being within five feet of your dog(s).

I need this, but for my dogs, basically.

But yeah, Coyote Vest 1.0 is a nice start.

Watch: Everything You Need to Know About Pugs

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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