Don’t feed the animals. Don’t feed pigeons. Don’t feed ducks. Don’t feed gators. Don’t feed geese. Don’t feed squirrels. It messes them up! You give them our crappy, chemical-filled food and it will drive them literally insane and make them incapable of finding food for themselves. Just like humans. You feed animals regularly and the next thing you know they’re coming at you for more.
Squirrels in New York’s Rockefeller Park in Battery Park City are the latest animal to have their ability to fend for themselves dulled by the stupid, naked monkeys (us) feeding them bread and old hot dogs. The squirrels have gotten so used to New Yorkers feeding them that they no longer know how to find food for themselves. So, when they get hungry, they look to people. Even people who don’t feed them, because these racist squirrels think we all look alike.
And damn have these squirrels gotten hungry and desperate. Since they’ve forgotten how to eat acorns and need sustenance they’re now attacking people in the aforementioned Rockefeller Park. The parks department usually records around 30 squirrel related attacks a year but just the last week or so in Rockefeller Park alone there have been multiple attacks. Most of them happened on the playground because, of course, children are the easiest targets.
It’s not a stretch to imagine that things are only going to get worse as autumn nears. Whole packs of squirrels desperate for some pizza or a street pretzel are going to eventually turn to the soft, juicy flesh of kindergartners to fatten them up for the long, hard winter. One minute a parent will be returning a text, the next they’ll look up to find squirrels tearing their kid limb from limb.
This article was originally published on August 14, 2019.