A half dozen senior citizens were caught going to town on each other in the middle of a forest near Fairfield, Connecticut earlier this month. According to authorities, the Grace Richardson conservation area was being advertised on the internet as a place for lewd people to meet up and have sex, so it’s unclear how these six people — ranging in age from 62 to 85 — found out about it. A teenaged grandchild who now deeply regrets teaching grandma how to use her iPad, most likely.
The group sexual activity consisted of five men and one 85-year-old woman and… oof, that is quite the visual. Is it ageist to say that picturing 5 old guys running train on an actual geriatric is less appealing to me than watching uncut motorcycle accident footage where all the victims aren’t wearing a helmet? I don’t care. It is that.
And, by the way, there is apparently video of this Lemon Party Picnic. Police were tipped off to the public sex ads and set up surveillance equipment in the area. That’s got to be a bummer. You think you’re going to catch some hot, young hippies doing it in a meadow and then instead you get a Walking Dead porn knock off. But, nope. According to Fox4, the perpetrators included Daniel Dobbins (67-years-old), Otto D. Williams (62-years-old), Charles L. Ardito (75-years-old), John Linartz (62-years-old), Richard Butler (82-years-old), and his wife Joyce Butler (85-years-old).
The members of this human buffet from hell were hit with charges ranging from breach of peace to public indecency. Apparently, the judge had some sympathy for them though because they were let out without having to pay any bond. They just had to promise to show up for their court date.
I get that. These old folks weren’t doing anything horribly wrong. You can’t take a fourth-grade field trip out there for a while, sure, but aside from that old lady’s ancient pelvis, no one got hurt here. They obviously have to discourage people from having public sex in what’s supposed to be a serene nature preserve but there’s no reason to drop the hammer here. There was enough pounding going on already.
Editor’s note: This article was originally published on August 21, 2019.