Florida: not even once. America’s wang is at it again with terrifying wildlife that shouldn’t exist. This time a giant Asian water monitor lizard is running around some innocent person’s backyard in Davie, Florida. It’s six feet long and, according to experts, will definitely bite you if it feels like it, which is especially problematic because it’s the size of a large adult human and this particular homeowner has kids.
The lizard has evaded capture for multiple days. Even professional trappers have had no luck wrangling the thing. When people aren’t trying to capture it, however, the lizard appears to enjoy walking right up to the family’s sliding glass door, almost definitely because of the delicious smelling children behind them, because Florida.
The Asian water monitor is an invasive species to the state. Like most of the gross, stupid wildlife in Florida, they were once pets that were set free into the swampy wilderness during meth house raids and common law divorces that involved throwing the items of one’s partner out the window of the couple’s shared and potentially mobile domicile.
The lizard has yet to be caught but at this point it might just be cheaper and easier for the homeowners — Maria and Zach Lieberman — to take the thing down themselves. There’s no reason to capture it. It’s invasive. It’s almost certain at least one of their neighbors have a weird cache of weapons they could borrow to off this thing. Katanas, 3D printed assault rifles, a knockoff Elon Musk flamethrower, some sort of crossbow but it shoots kitchen knives. Whatever. This is Florida! Somebody’s got something.
And why shouldn’t they be armed like lunatics? Look at the type of shit they deal with down there. Monster pythons are killing everything. How long before exotic pet owning Florida morons start releasing chimpanzees they can no longer care for — and have also given a taste for meat because they only fed them hamburgers and gas station chicharrones — into the wild? That is a believable Florida outcome and you know it. That’s how the real Planet of the Apes is going to start. Monkeys owned as exotic pets in Florida being released into the wild by their aging owners and conquering the state.
This freakin’ state.
This story was originally published August 29, 2018.