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Chiquita Bananas AP Photo/Keith Srakocic, File
AP Photo/Keith Srakocic, File

Every day we stray further from God’s light. Guys are basically having sex with actual garbage now, apparently. And, on top of that, they claim it’s pretty rad. One peel pounder even claimed it’s the closest thing there is to getting an actual blow job.

The trend of masturbating with a banana peel, somehow, despite a seemingly infinite amount of rational reasons why it shouldn’t, has been catching on lately and doctors are not into it. Having sex with a banana peel can cause rashes and, if you have a fruit or especially a banana allergy, the irritations could be even worse.

But that’s absolutely not what is important here. Forget the doctors. Forget the potential penis rashes that may be incurred by laying with a banana peel. What about the rash that’ll be left on your soul? You can never un-fuck that banana peel, guys. After you stick your dick in that peel you will have to carry that knowledge with you for the rest of your life. The knowledge that you diddled fruit. And that shame is going to pop up constantly. Like when you remember something awkward that you said in a group ten years ago and immediately start hating yourself all over again for that, except it’ll about having sex with a banana peel instead.

Is that worth it? Is it worth it, really, to one day find yourself standing in line at the grocery store with nothing but a bunch of bananas in hand, looking around nervously, wondering if someone knows? Knows your secret. Anxiously wondering to yourself if the cashier knows? “He’s looking at me weird, man. I bet he sees people do this all the time. Oh God, he knows I’m a freak. He knows I’m sick. Jesus, what is wrong with me? Why am I doing this?”

Is it worth it? I suppose I can’t truly judge until I try. But it’s fine because I’m doing it under the guise of journalism or something. Be right back.

OMG, it was awesome never mind everything I said. Gonna go buy a banana farm.

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This post was originally published January 23, 2020.

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Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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