Do you have a wedding day coming up? Are you unsure if people will be able to glean from the camo, Confederate flag-themed sequins, and assorted antlers you’ve decorated with that you live in a trailer on the edge of swampland that you in no way own or are allowed to live on? Then allow us to introduce to you these uniquely American bridal crocs from noted Etsy seller Princess Pumps.
These rubber redneck clogs are the perfect wedding shoes to make your big day into a full-on Walmart fairy tale. Nothing says, “The hot dogs we’re serving after the ceremony might be shoplifted” quite like these wedding crocs. The white crocs provide the sort of unbeatable comfort only the most pregnant of brides could appreciate.
But these bridal clogs aren’t just comfy and practical fashion. The hint of sparkle and crystals will not just compliment your wedding dress but have you shinning on your special day like a bug zapper on a dark Mississippi night.
In truth, these are actually great. Weddings are mostly — if not entirely — a damn ripoff. So if you like crocs and happen to be marrying the man or woman of your dreams, then you do you. Slide these on, pour yourself a drink or ten, ignore how annoying your bridesmaids are being, and have a damn good time. You having a good time is all that matters, and if some fancy crocs are what’s going to help facilitate that happening then by all means croc away. Keep little mini bottles of whiskey in a fanny pack under (or screw it, over) your wedding dress.
Weddings: even the cheap ones are expensive so do whatever the hell you want.
This post was originally published July 23, 2019.