The gimmick gift company Firebox has a new way for men to look festive this holiday season and also maybe a way to electrocute themselves or burn their faces off too. Definitely, the former with a better than hoped for the chance of the latter.
Christmas lights for your beard! They’re a thing now, and they will only possibly light your face on fire. Or, if we want to be a little more festive with this, only possibly turn your face into a Yule Log.
According to Firebox, these 18 multi-colored nano LED lights (or fairy lights, as the Brits call them) change color, flash, easily clip onto beards, and are quite unobtrusive. They make beard baubles, beard bells, glitter beards, and beard ornaments, all things you never knew existed anyway, totally irrelevant. You won’t even know you’re wearing them, they say. They also warn not to wear them when your facial hair is wet, or when it’s raining out. And you also shouldn’t spill anything you’re drinking onto them. Because then you’ll definitely know you’re wearing them. From all the electrocutions and beard fires.
So these things look cool but also sound about as safe as a decorative frayed wire. Would you wear them? You know what? Screw it. If Christmas were about safety we wouldn’t string up our houses and dead pieces of indoor timber sitting in a small pool of water with lights that are also of questionable safety standards. And we put those lights up while a mixture of bourbon, scotch, rum, gin, and beer swirling around in our stomachs gives us the coordination of a newborn foal and the decision-making acumen of a motorcycle owner.
Wear these lights in your beard with pride. There’s no way you don’t own every Christmas party you go to if you’re rocking these. Everyone’s ugly Christmas sweaters will be put to shame. Because you’ll have a damn ugly Christmas beard. The Christmas beard lights are enough to upgrade your Christmas beard game over Santa Claus himself. Though if you’re rocking these you may want to ask for some sort of skin-safe, pocket-sized fire extinguisher as a stocking stuffer because while you’ll definitely have the holiday spirit shooting off of your face, you might have some flames too.
This post was originally published on November 19, 2019.