The North Bend Theater in North Bend, Washington, which was showing the hit Disney film Frozen 2, had to be evacuated over the weekend after the theater’s manager came across a strange package, immediately opened it (as one does with strange packages left in public places), and found a container labeled “highly contagious human substance” within.
Movie-goers were rushed out of the theater and hazmat crews were then called to the scene to make sure the movie theater’s manager hadn’t just derped their way to infecting a hundred kids with Ebola or whatever the hottest new strain bird flu is. The manager, meanwhile, was rushed to the hospital as a precaution.
The Eastside Fire Department tweeted out updates on the incident.
Turns out the pee-mail was supposed to be delivered to a medical facility in Tahoma, Washington about 40 miles away. Everything turned out fine and no one was infected by whatever was swimming around in the pee, so that’s great.
Still, though. That’s got to be the cherry shaped turd on top of the misery sundae that is taking a group of kids to the movies for whatever parents were there. They already herded three hyper kids into the car, had to explain to them as they cried and screamed that they could only have one candy each, subsequently spent 8 dollars a pop on that candy, didn’t buy any popcorn for themselves even though they wanted it because of their stupid diet, had to shepherd all three kids into the filthy public bathroom because one of them had to go, then ten minutes later had to repeat that process because, even though they asked when they were in the bathroom the last time and the other two said they were didn’t need to go, now one of the other kids has to go. Then, mercifully, the movie started. They could relax for an hour or two. Finally.
But nope! The idiot theater manager opened a mysterious package left outside a public place that was absolutely not addressed to the theater, it was full of diseased pee, and then firefighters burst into the theater, and ordered the parents and their terrified children out through the fire exit. Now the parents are going to have to spend another fifty bucks at McDonald’s or Pizza Hut just to appease the kids.
Just buy Disney+ and a big TV.