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Drunk Driver Insists to Cop She’s Fine, Says She’s a ‘Professional Drinker’ YouTube: Any Articles
YouTube: Any Articles

An Omaha police officer on what he thought was a routine traffic stop for speeding and drunk driving got a fairly creative argument from the woman he eventually arrested for getting behind the wheel while hammered drunk. Her ability to drive, she claimed, was not hampered by her blood-alcohol level because she is, in fact, a “professional drinker.”

Officer Jeremy Zipay tweeted about his interaction with the drunk driver, whom he says initially claimed she wasn’t actually drunk, though she walked that back and busted out her “professional drinker” argument instead after blowing a 0.25, which is three times the legal limit.

According to Zipay the woman also, apparently in the interest of efficiency, attempted to complete all the field sobriety tests at once. Presumably, this means that she walked in a straight line, on one foot, while touching her index finger to her nose. The seemingly impressive juggling of field sobriety tests, however, was counterproductive, Zipay claimed, saying it only increased his suspicion that she was drunk.

A few observations:

1. You pretty much have to be shitfaced to tell a cop that you’re a professional drinker under any circumstance, let alone while standing next to your car.

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2. Someone (me, I guess?) needs to do an FOIA request on Zipay’s body camera footage so we can watch this woman do all of the field sobriety tests at once. It feels likely before and while she was doing them she was probably like, “Oh you think drunk, huh? Huh? HUH! Then why am I — why can I — uh, do all these at the same time then! Huh!” as she sloppily hopped around, poking herself in the eye.

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3. I bet she ate it at least once while doing those sobriety tests and the cop is just too much of a professional to tell us.

Watch: Drunk Florida Man Insists He Didn’t Drink and Drive, Only Drank at Stop Signs

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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