If you’re in the market for a $750,000 home in Pennsylvania and also have a complex, insatiable sexual appetite then good news, your dream home just hit the market like so many whips have hit bare asses within it. A home in Maple Glen, Pennsylvania with four bedrooms, two and a half baths, and lots and lots of what can only be described as “sex furniture” has been put on the market. For the owners, all the bang merch is a selling point.
Described as an adult playground, the basement comes stocked with a sex swing, a four-poster bed that appears to be equipped with a stockade, and more chains and leather than were ever owned by all the blacksmiths who’ve ever lived.
This basement is the future. Man caves are so ’90s. Why have a man cave when you can have 8 men cave in the sex tunnel that runs through your walls? Plus having a BDSM theme park in your basement will let you know which of your neighbors are cool and which aren’t real quick.
The only real issue is that, if you have children, you need to invest in the sort of locks they use at nuclear missile silos and on Hannibal Lecter-esque prison cells. You do not want to find yourself explaining the questions your little girl’s best friend went home with after a playdate in the school pickup line the next day.
“A torture chamber filled with big purple wee wees? Oh, that kid of yours is so funny. She should be a writer! So imaginative! But yeah no we definitely don’t have a basement equipped to sexually punish a dozen consenting adults.”
Christ, if you’re going to move into this house with kids maybe tell them the basement is haunted. Haunted bad. You might have to fake a murder down there to keep them out.