Archie McPhee, a noted poison purveyor masquerading as a novelty item company, has a new flavor of candy cane formulated specifically to make kids lose faith in Santa. And God.
The new candy cane is kale flavored because if there’s one demographic not being served by Santa’s candy factory in the North Pole it’s the children of fanatical vegan humanists who won’t let their kids celebrate the holidays of an oppressive, patriarchal, colonialist society.
Kale Candy Canes
In reality, Archie McPhee knows what they’re doing here (as evidenced by the above tweet). They’re trolling. They’re creating abominations as a form of marketing. Kale canes get clicks! Just read their website’s description of the Kale Cane (emphasis mine).
KALE CANDY CANES
– Set of six green & white candy canes
– 5-1/4″ tall with kale flavoring
– Tastes just like the kale you love
– Finally a candy cane everyone can agree on
All your Christmas dreams have come true! Kale Candy Canes are here! No more pesky holiday flavors to worry about, just the bitter grassiness of your favorite vegetable. Talk about a superfood, kale is not only very nutritious but also incredibly delicious. This set of six Kale Candy Canes gives you the flavor of kale with none of the dietary benefits. Plus, the package features personified kale. Kids love it! Each candy cane is 5-1/4″ tall with green and white stripes.
Archie McPhee also sells ham-flavored candy canes, pizza flavored candy canes, mac & cheese-flavored candy canes, coal-flavored candy canes, bacon-flavored candy canes, and pickle-flavored candy canes.
Worst of all, Archie McPhee sells a flavor of candy cane so foul that even just thinking about it is gag-inducing.
These people are sick. This is Frankenstein, Jurrasic Park levels of man’s scientific hubris run amok.
On the plus side kale candy canes, clam candy canes, ham candy canes and so on all offer incredible opportunities to trick your friends and family into eating awful things. Pink and green candy canes look enticing. Why wouldn’t they try it? (The grey one less so. Clam might be hard to pull off.)