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Exploding Toilet Florida WINK
WINK

A toilet in Port Charlotte, Florida exploded after lightning struck the septic tank it was connected to, igniting all the poopy methane gas within and sending the world’s most destructive fart shooting through the home’s plumbing. Presumably, the many pythons and poisonous spiders living inside of the home’s pipes were killed as a result. As far as residents of the home the toilet was in go, they’re all fine.

Marylou Ward told her local news affiliate, WINK News, that the toilet was the only one in her home, and that the explosion was the loudest she’s ever heard. The explosion shattered the porcelain toilet into dozens of pieces.

This is one of those things that sounds terrifying upon first hearing it. You think, “That can happen!?” Then you realize that, if your home has a septic tank, you’re basically building a bomb underneath your house, made out of your own poop, with fart gas as a fuse just waiting for God to light it.

And what if the septic tank explodes while you’re actually on the toilet? What a way to go. The fire from your old exploding shit shooting back up your ass while the rest of your body is shredded to ribbons by porcelain shrapnel? Most Floridians would probably rather choose to leap into a gator’s mouth headfirst.

Obviously, though, the chances of this actually happening to you are slim. You’re probably not going to get killed by exploding poop. All the Wendy’s you’re turning into poop is what’s probably going to kill you. You’re more likely to be attacked by a bear — in the middle of a terrorist attack — than you are to die in this Final Destination sequel directed by the Farrelly Brothers.

Still though, maybe have your septic tank drained if you haven’t in a while.

Watch: POOP AND PADDLE: AN ECO-FRIENDLY FLOATING OUTHOUSE

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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