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Richard Decker Sex Farm Sussex County Sheriff's Office
Sussex County Sheriff's Office

Nice guys are only nice until they get rejected. Turns out that’s true whether they’re trying to date a girl they like or seeking sex with local farm animals. Vernon, New Jersey man Richard Decker, 31, allegedly sent letters and emails to dozens of farms and stables across the Sussex County area politely asking if he could bone their horses and/or cows. When all of the farmers hit him back with a hard “no” Decker’s demeanor went from friendly to furious.

Decker is accused of sending abusive letters and emails as well as leaving metal tire deflation devices in the driveways of farmers who rejected his request to sexually violate their animals. Apparently, he was doing this all over the state and just assumed no one would, at any point, turn him in for 1) trying to have sex with their animals, 2) trying to damage their vehicles, and 3) sending threatening letters.

Decker is now facing 22 charges including fourth-degree procuring an animal in any kind of sexual manner or initiating any sexual conduct with an animal.

This is bad but, I guess, if you had to choose, you’d rather some guy send you a letter asking you to have sex with your horses and cows. Consider the alternative, which is wandering out to your barn in the middle of the night because the dogs are making a fuss and won’t stop barking. You hear the horses neighing. They’re scared. Maybe it’s a wolf? Or horse bandits. So you load the shotgun and sneak outside, going from asleep to mentally prepared to take a human life in a matter of minutes. You crack open the barn door, raise your shotgun, and then, there in the moonlight, you see a bare, male buttocks thrusting into the back of the horse your daughter lovingly calls Rose Petal.

The exploratory letter is definitely the preferable scenario.

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Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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