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Florida Man Cut off Man's Penis Gilchrist County Sheriff's Office
Gilchrist County Sheriff's Office

A Florida man took matters (and scissors and his neighbor’s penis) into his own hands after he could no longer stand the thought the man living next to him going unpunished for sleeping with his wife.

Alex Bonilla of Gainesville, Florida walked next door, held his neighbor at gunpoint and threatened to kill him if he resisted, tied the man who slept with his wife up, cut off his penis, and ran out of the house with his neighbor’s penis in hand. The man’s children were in the house while it happened.

According to Bonilla, he caught his neighbor sleeping with his wife last May and, apparently, his frustration with that knowledge reached a point of no return. Police charged Bonilla with aggravated assault, cruelty toward a child, and burglary.

Maybe just get a divorce next time. Or move. Or do literally anything other than cut a man’s penis off while his terrified kids are in the other room. Move on. Put on your Maui Jim shades and your best Margaritaville flip flops, head down to the dock bar, and find a replacement for Tammy. A new Florida woman who will love you and be loyal. How about Patty over there smoking a Virginia Slim 100 and sipping a Mai Tai at the bar? She’s nice. She has a good job at the Publix, her hobbies include painting seagulls and watching amateur motorcycle races. Heck her brother owns a jet ski. You could’ve had some real fun with her. But no. You cut off a guy’s penis.

Pride really is the most destructive sin of all.

According to the New York Post, there is no word on if doctors were able to attach Bonilla’s victim’s penis but, man, hopefully they were able to. But really that shouldn’t even be an issue. It’s 2019. Why are we not growing this man a bigger, shinier penis with stem cells? Ridiculous.

Watch: Why You Should Visit the World’s Largest Penis Museum

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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