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Masturbation is Gay Sex Twitter/@RightWingWatch
Twitter/@RightWingWatch

If masturbation is gay then consider me Ricky Martin. And if you try to claim masturbation is wrong because it’s gay then consider me Harvey Milk. According to one far-right Christian commentator, giving yourself a tug or a rub or what have you is gay and, thus, is sinful.

Dave Daubenmire claimed as much on his podcast, “Pass the Salt Live”. So apparently this guy doesn’t J-O? I buy this, honestly. Look at him. He dresses like a football coach for his videos about being a Christian, which is as sad and fitting as it is creepy. Every time Dave gets an erection he probably does some pushups or watches videos of his high school sports highlights until it goes away. This is what happens when you’ve convinced yourself you’re an Alpha but really you’re just a big guy and so batshit crazy that everyone you’re around is quiet because they’d rather nod and get the hell away from you forever than bother addressing the lunacy spewing out of your face.

“Masturbation is a form of homo sex. You’re having sex with yourself. That’s homo sex, folks. It’s a male having sex with a male. That’s homo sex. If a woman masturbates, that’s a woman having sex with a woman. That is a form of lesbianism. I mean, what else would you call it?”

Imagine thinking that’s what Jesus was excruciatingly tortured and murdered for. Yeah, God’s only son hung from a huge piece of wood he was nailed to, barely able to breathe, a freakin’ spear hole in his side, and bleeding out in the hot sun so that one day we might be freed from the evil of two chicks kissing.

I don’t think this is going to have the effect you think it will, Dave. This isn’t likely to inspire The Great Untouchening. If anything this is the kind of take that might get other Christians who have qualms with homosexuality to look inward and reexamine their beliefs. “Hmm. Wow. That take on homosexuality sounds insane. Maybe my negative opinion about homosexuality also doesn’t sound so great.”

And if that’s the case then, well, keep on cranking these sorts of takes out Dave. I know you’ll have the time. You’re not cranking anything else, after all.

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Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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