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Copy of Michelangelo's David, at the entrance of the Palazzo Vec

Not that this, like, affects me or whatever — because it totally doesn’t — but I for sure maybe have some, um, friends who might find this interesting. Not me though. But other people.

According to historians who spoke with Vice, the ancient Greeks actually used to prefer small and dainty penises on men, partly because the Greeks were all about balance, and anything too big would be perceived as imbalanced. Oh sure, that’s good enough reasoning for freakin’ Aristotle but apparently, not for the girls you match with on Tinder. Whatever.

That preference seems to have spread beyond ancient Greece, to the Romans, Egyptians, and even all the way into medieval Christian society. The Greeks, Romans, etc. used big penises as comedic relief in stories and plays because they found them so gross and ridiculous and stupid.

Medieval artists used huge dicks to get a laugh as well, but also to depict someone as heretical or even straight-up evil.

SO WHAT THE HELL CHANGED DAMMIT I mean see, isn’t that interesting?.

Of course, a man packing a piglet being society’s preferred male standard didn’t survive to this modern age of American exceptionalism. Nowadays if your hog couldn’t win a ribbon at the state fair you might as well resign yourself to a life of sadness and second-place finishes. Like that makes sense. You think storming the beaches at Normandy would’ve been easy with your dick slapping around your knee?!? NO! Those brave men’s dicks were practically fully retracted thanks to the cold water and fear. Small penises defeated Hitler. To be fair, Hitler was also purported to have a small penis. And maybe he was such an angry guy because everyone made fun of it! Huh? Ever think of that? That a Europe more accepting of penises of all shapes and sizes could’ve prevented World War II? Bet ya didn’t.

This is no longer a world for the man with a reasonably sized rod. We aren’t a society that values moderation. Sad. But fashion, culture, etc. is often times cyclical so maybe one day tiny wangs will be in again. We can only hope. Well, not me, obviously. But others. You. Not me.

Watch: Why You Should Visit the World’s Largest Penis Museum

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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