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Toddler Seagull New York Post
New York Post

Seagulls are flying beach rats. Full stop. If there were ever an animal to rise up against humanity it wouldn’t be apes or spiders or dolphins. It’d be these sky vermin, with their dead black eyes and bottomless appetites. They’d eat our flesh. Our livers. Our very bones. They’re feathered locusts. It should be legal to take a flamethrower to the beach with you and incinerate any seagull that gets within five feet of you so thoroughly that the sand beneath its disgusting feet turns to glass.

One toddler learned about seagulls the hard way, and it was captured on video. Don’t worry, a flock of seagulls didn’t swarm the boy and consume him until there was nothing left. (This time.) They just stole his cookie.

TikTok user @lilwavve posted the video his account, showing the wee lad’s cookie get robbed from right out of his hand, and then the kid rightfully running away after realizing that he was surrounded by dozens of bloodthirsty dinosaurs.

A few stray observations:

1. Was this staged? Everything on TikTok feels staged.

2. If this was staged, c’mon man. Don’t let filthy animals touch your kid so you can views on social media. That seagull probably spent its morning eating expired raw chicken out of a dirty diaper. Its nest is probably in the urinal of an abandoned public restroom whose roof has a hole in it.

You might as well have had a hobo cough some coronavirus into your kid’s mouth. Gross.

3. re: my flamethrower idea, you should also be allowed to bring baseball bats and tennis racquets to the beach and take free swings at these little bastards if they come flying at you. That’d be every bit as fun as beach wiffleball. Whatever PETA, I don’t care. Seagulls are, quite literally, trash.

Watch: Video Shows a Seagull Swallowing a Rat Whole, Proving Once Again That Nature is Gross and Terrifying

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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