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TSA Samurai Sword Twitter/@TSAMedia_LisaF
Twitter/@TSAMedia_LisaF

A Paola, Kansas man whose vocabulary does not include the word “counterproductive” has challenged his ex-wife to a trial by combat over the custody of their children. His weapon of choice? Samurai swords.

40-year-old David Ostrom claims that his ex-wife Bridgette Ostrom, 38, and her attorney, Matthew Hudson, have destroyed him legally throughout their child custody case and now, for retribution and to settle the matter once and for all, David Ostrom wants them to “meet me on the field of battle, where I will REND THEIR SOULS from their … bodies.” Ostrom wrote that in the actual court filing, which apparently sounds like it was written by the law firm of Neckbeard, Beta, and Virgin.

Ostrom wasn’t done there though. Despite the fact that he feels confident in his decision to choose trial by combat, he still requested that the court give him three months so he could obtain the katanas he needed for his proposed legal proceeding.

The aggrieved ninja, whose custody hearing is taking place in his ex-wife’s hometown in Iowa, is willing to face his ex-wife in this trial by combat or, if his ex prefers, Ostrom is also fine with her attorney, Hudson, standing in as her champion. Ostrom also dropped some insults on Hudson, possibly to coax him into the arena.

“If Mr. Hudson is willing to do it, I will meet him. I don’t think he has the guts to do it.”

Though not a father myself I feel compelled to offer this piece of advice to any soon-to-be-divorced dads out there who will soon find themselves in their own custody battles: offering to fight your wife or her lawyer to the death with blades (or pistols, or your bare hands) will likely not have the effect you intended it to have, that being you getting to retain some level of access to your children.

No judge likes to hear, “Your honor, I love my kids so much I’d cut my wife’s head off to keep them.”

And oh by the way, that was no different here. The judge in the case, Craig Dreismeier, ignored Ostrom’s insane request.

Watch: Larry King Seeks Divorce From Seventh Wife After 22 Years of Marriage

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Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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