Rob Fox
A Detroit, Michigan woman was declared dead on Sunday morning by fire officials. It turned out to be, however, a shut and open case. As in, they shut the (just barely figurative) coffin and had to open it back up real quick because as it turns out the woman was still breathing.
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Paramedics from the Southfield Fire Department spent thirty minutes performing CPR and attempting to revive the woman upon responding to the initial call but they could not save the woman’s life. Or so they thought.
The woman’s medical information was sent to the Oakland County Medical Examiner’s office and her body was released to the family so that they could begin arranging her premature funeral.
The (still living) body was transported to the James H. Cole Funeral Home where the staff presumably had all of their nightmares come to fruition upon discovering that one of the corpses was, as far as they knew, coming back to life.
They discovered, in short, that the woman was breathing and thus ineligible for an embalming fluid enema. The woman was transported to a hospital. Her name is being withheld for the time being.
A couple thoughts:
1. So this lady was definitely zipped up in a body bag, right? Hopefully she was unconscious and not in some horrible paralytic state where she was just laying there screaming internally to God begging Him not to let her get buried alive.
2. This woman was also potentially put into a morgue fridge. The only way this day could have been worse for her is if she actually had died. I hope she A) makes a full recovery from whatever happened to her, and B) makes a nice little piece of coin off the town that gave her the world’s worst-ever Day in the Life episode.
- When this woman does eventually die, hopefully a long time from now, her tombstone should absolutely read, “19xx-2020, 2020-20xx.”
