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Healthy Amount of Beer to Drink

This seems untrue. For one thing, I’m alive. For another, most people I know are alive. Based on the tailgates I went to in college, my heavy drinking should’ve put me in a hospital bed saying a tearful goodbye to my loved ones years ago. So take this information with a grain of salt — “science” basically comes out with new findings that everything will either increase or decrease your lifespan about once a month. Still, it’s worth noting.

According to a new paper studying the alcohol consumption and health effects of 600,000 people, those over 40 who are drinking alcohol beyond what doctors say is the weekly healthy limit cut a quarter of an hour off their lives for every extra pint of drinking beer. Maybe lay off the alcohol intake a bit, yeah?

Is this true? Maybe. But who cares. The real truth is that how long you live has more to do with genetics and luck than anything else. Binge drinking alcoholic beverages and other unhealthy activity will probably affect the quality of your remaining life, though. But unless your daily alcohol use is ripping alcoholic drinks such as vodka shots like a Russian sailor or eating whole stuffed crust pizzas for lunch and dinner, chances are even these super unhealthy dietary guidelines and alcohol’s effects won’t be huge. Don’t forget, however, that excessive drinking can actually become alcohol abuse too, okay?

Also, once you reach 90 there’s another study that says you should increase your moderate alcohol consumption. Whatever. These studies are all contradictory anyway. X has health benefits that are good for you. No, wait, X will cause health problems and health risks for you and Y is good for you. AHHCTSHOOO-ALLLEEEEE, it’s all about Z though X isn’t as bad as we thought (but Y will murder you in your sleep). Aside from heroin, tumors, and being stabbed, it’s unclear if anyone can unanimously agree on anything regarding what’s “moderate drinking”.

So, really, you should forget all of it. Besides, if all you “moderate drinkers” take fifteen minutes off your life with an extra beer or glass of wine there’s probably some bullshit way to put those fifteen minutes back onto your life. A spinach smoothie or yoga or owning a dog. Or maybe cut back on all the beer drinking next time? It’s all about balance. Your heart health matters too, and no one wants to deal with high blood pressure or liver disease.

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But, uh, yeah. Too much beer consumption might kill you a little if you have too much of it. Maybe moderate consumption should be redefined for all the beer drinkers in the good ol’ United States. Stay tuned — forever — for more information.

Editor’s note: This article was originally published on February 26, 2019.

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Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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