Healthy Amount of Beer to Drink

This seems untrue. For one thing, I’m alive. For another, most people I know are alive. Based on the tailgates I went to in college I should’ve been in a hospital bed saying a tearful goodbye to my loved ones years ago. So take this information with a grain of salt — “science” basically comes out with new findings that everything will either increase or decrease your lifespan about once a month. Still, it’s worth noting.

According to a new paper studying the drinking habits and health of 600,000 people, those over 40 who imbibe beyond what doctors say is the weekly healthy limit of alcohol cut a quarter of an hour off their lives for every extra pint of beer.

Is this true? Maybe. But who cares. The real truth is that how long you live has more to do with genetics and luck than anything else. Binge drinking and other unhealthy activity will probably affect the quality of your remaining life, though. But unless you’re ripping vodka shots like a Russian sailor or eating whole stuffed crust pizzas for lunch and dinner, chances are even those effects won’t be huge.

Also, once you reach 90 there’s another study that says you should drink more. Whatever. These studies are all contradictory anyway. X is good for you. No, wait, X is bad for you and Y is good for you. AHHCTSHOOO-ALLLEEEEE, it’s all about Z though X isn’t as bad as we thought (but Y will murder you in your sleep). Aside from heroin, tumors, and being stabbed it’s unclear if anyone can unanimously agree on anything being truly unhealthy for you. So, really, you should forget all of it. Besides, if you take fifteen minutes off your life with an extra beer there’s probably some bullshit way to put those fifteen minutes back onto your life. A spinach smoothie or yoga or owning a dog.

But, uh, yeah. Beer might kill you a little if you have too much of it. Maybe. Stay tuned — forever — for more information.

Watch: Sip Your Way to Wellness: The 7 Health Benefits of Beer

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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