Advertisement
Jim Beam Fire Twitter/@rtv6
Twitter/@rtv6

An American tragedy has occurred. Something truly mournful. A fire at a Jim Beam bourbon facility in Kentucky has destroyed 45,000 innocent barrels of young whiskey. Those poor, sweet, fresh-faced barrels. Never got to see the world. Never got to experience their life. Never got to live full, happy lives. THEY WERE JUST CHILDREN!

According to a Jim Beam spokesperson the spirits that went up in flames were relatively young whiskeys, meaning they weren’t ready for distribution yet, which in turn means that the availability of Jim Beam won’t be affected any time soon, if at all. Crisis averted, sure, but we’re still in mourning over here. It’s always sad to see whiskey go undrunk. To never even have the chance to be drunk. Meanwhile, there are entire warehouses full of Burnett’s vodka and well tequila that God decided not to light on fire. Life isn’t fair.

Calculations from Bloomberg estimate that the fire cost Jim Beam $300 million in product alone, to say nothing of the warehouses it destroyed. The fire in the first warehouse is still burning, in fact. (There’s plenty of fuel there, obviously.)

Obviously, the only way to honor this horrible loss is by going out and buying yourself a fifth of Jim for the Fourth of July. The Beam family needs our support (spiritually, not financially). And we need to mourn, together. The only way we get past this as a nation is by coming together and internalizing a whole lot of Jim Beam.

Though the cause of the fire is unknown authorities believe it could be weather-related, specifically a lightning strike. And, of course, that lightning had plenty of fuel to ignite. It might as well have struck a gas station. Fortunately, no one was injured in the incident either. Just our souls. Just a little.

Watch: Jim Beam’s Voice-Activated Decanter Will Pour You a Shot on Command

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
View More Articles

Stories You Might Like