A grocery store in Manassas, Virginia was forced to throw out several pallets of produce over the weekend after a man was caught pulling down his pants, rubbing the food against his naked rear-end, and then placing the food back on the shelf.
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Fortunately for the Manassas community, The Butt Apple Bandit wasn’t able to terrorize their produce for long. Michael Dwayne Johnson, 27, was caught and charged with destruction of property, as well as indecent exposure after a store employee at The Giant Food reported Johnson being seen soiling what had come from the soil.
A police spokeswoman did not have the exact information on what produce Johnson defiled, but according to the police report, it was some sort of fruit that came into contact with the man’s butt.
No motive has been given but lets wildly speculate, shall we? Maybe Johnson had a vendetta against The Giant Food grocery store, and specifically their produce department. Perhaps Johnson knew one of his enemies was coming in shortly to buy some groceries, and that said enemy enjoyed fruit, so Johnson rubbed his butt on the fruit in order to, by the transitive property, force his enemy to eat his ass.
Maybe this was an anti-GMO statement by Johnson. To him, genetically modified food is crap, so why not cover it in crap? It’s sort of double entendre or something. There’s also the possibility that Johnson spent the day leading up to his rectal fruit assault huffing spray paint and drinking vodka from a plastic bottle, and this was all just a big, home chemical ingestion and alcohol-fueled mix-up that we’ll all be able to laugh about some day.
My theory? The fruit was contaminated and Johnson, who is the hero of this story, couldn’t think of another way to get it thrown out in such a short amount of time. So, thinking on his feet, he dropped his pants to them and started backing that ass up on a wall of produce. Truly, he’s the hero we deserve.
This post was originally published September 18, 2018.