A new study has found that Americans who enjoy using every meal as an opportunity to assault their taste buds with gallons of hot sauce, chili peppers so hot they should be classified as mildly poisonous, and other spicy foods have more sex than people who think mashed potatoes qualifies as hot food.
The new survey, conducted by OnePoll on behalf of hot sauce brand El Yucateco (but definitely still a totally objective study…), concluded that people who like spicy food actually have double the amount of sex that people who don’t even salt their chicken do.
But a person’s spice preference doesn’t just translate to a greater proclivity for doing it. Personality traits other than sex drive are affected too. For example, the study found that a person who uses habanero sauce like most people use ketchup is likely to be more adventurous — more likely to enjoy roller coasters, loud music, and even speeding down winding roads. (And what is more adventurous than eating a burrito slathered in hot sauce and then going on a roller coaster right before having sex? Absolutely nothing.)
If there’s one thing this totally legit new research paid for by a hot sauce company makes clear it’s that spicy food consumption makes a person super awesome and cool, while an aversion to spicy food makes you a dull virgin loser who everyone probably secretly hates.
As a spicy food lover myself, I can’t say I disagree. I’ve always suspected that I was some sort of cool, alpha sex king, and the fact that I eat my food in a way that makes me spend thirty-ish minutes on the toilet every morning pushing out corrosive brown lava proves that pretty much anyone would want to have sex with me. Nice.
This story was originally published January 23, 2019.