Scientists May Have Figured Out How to Let Humans Eat Anything They Want Without Gaining Weight

Disgusting, detestable gluttons rejoice. You may soon be able to gorge yourself on as many Funyuns, stuffed crust pizzas, Ben and Jerrys, and Taco Bell Quadruple Decker Deep-Fried Quesaritos as you can shove into your sloppy dumb face hole with absolutely zero repercussions, just as God absolutely never intended.

An international team of scientists, lead by Associate Professor Beverly Rothermel at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center and Professor Damien Keating at Flinders University, think they may have a cure to our self-inflicted and well-deserved obesity by disabling the RCAN1 gene. When the gene is disabled in mice the animals are able to eat large quantities of high-fat foods as much as they want without gaining weight. If this doesn’t sound natural or safe or even morally right that’s only because it probably isn’t but YOLO we wanna eat whole briskets and chocolate cakes at the orgy buffet not sit around thinking about responsibility.

It’s becoming increasingly clearer that our only objective as a species is to conquer the Seven Deadly Sins. (Not that I’m opposed to this, per se.) We’re a Herpes and AIDS cure away from all but eliminating the consequences of (consensual) Lust. Gluttony is clearly on the ropes. As soon as we get this cure to fat-assery and couple it with a universal income Sloth is pretty much done for too. Everyone is pretty cool with Greed already. And, if anything, thanks to social media both Wrath and unbridled, irrational, sociopathic Pride are encouraged in our society. Envy is the only real thorn in our side left but maybe after everyone is thin and getting big, fat government checks there won’t be anything left to be all that envious of. Who knows.

So how does a potential “Eat Whatever You Want” drug work? Basically, it would cause people to burn more calories while resting, which means the body would need to store less fat.

Cool! Now let’s conquer death and really give God* the finger.

*God or the nerd who created the simulation we’re living in. Suck it Melvin we’re gonna live forever boning and eating cured meats!

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What do you think?

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