Apparently Chemicals in Non-Stick Pans May Shrink Penises

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Finally, an excuse. No longer do I have to explain to my lovers and Snapchat contacts that my… situation… is the result of stuff like my mom smoking and drinking when she was pregnant with me, and then them contending that my explanation is pretty flimsy because why would that only affect the size and vibrancy of my penis instead of my entire body? Then I have to be all like, “Gee I didn’t realize I was sending pictures of my wang to a doctor. Oh wait, I’m not, Tiphanee.”

The mood pretty much dies from there. But now I can send them a link to this very story! No more lies, just insisting upon spurious claims about high levels of PFCs making me less of a man.

According to The Daily Mail, a study out of the University of Padua in Italy that was led by Dr. Andrea Di Nisio and published in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism concluded that men could end up with penises up to half-an-inch(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) shorter than usual if their parents were exposed to a chemical that used to be commonly found in non-stick frying pans with a Teflon coating. A half-an-inch. The average erect penis size is barely over five inches. If your parents were too lazy to spray Pam before cooking eggs they likely dropped you into 4-inch territory. Instead of smuggling a lap hog you’re tending to a pants piglet.

The dong diminishing chemicals are called PFCs and scientists say they can interfere with male hormones and testosterone levels, which leads to sexual organs (your D or, more accurately, your d) being ‘significantly’ shorter and thinner. And thinner. These chemicals don’t even have the decency to leave your groin looking like the shelf with the last 3-pack of hockey pucks at a Canadian CVS. By the time your parents’ years of stir-fry nights have taken their toll you’re left with a golf pencil.

That these once used PFC non-stick coatings make men’s penises shrink is bad enough, but they actually cause so many male reproductive problems in otherwise healthy men that you’d think you were reading about condoms made from plutonium and poorly recycled Ebola rags. PFCs can also affect testicular volume, semen quality, low birth weight, bladder cancer, testicular cancer, and they probably just give you herpes too for good measure. Why not?

And in case you thought smaller penises and all these other nightmare scenarios were taken care of now that PFCs aren’t used in non-stick frying pans anymore, they’re not. DuPont and Chemours, the manufacturers of Teflon, had to pay a massive settlement just last year after spilling perfluoroalkyl compounds into a river in West Virginia, which affected the area’s drinking water and, presumably, the length and girth of the next generation.

So go back to buttering your frying pans. You can jog off the pounds. You can’t take your dick to the gym for gains.

This post was originally published April 7, 2019.

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