How do you turn $1 into $10,000?
It’s simple really. You chomp down on a human canine while scarfing some off-brand snack food. A June 1 article in Things-I-Can-Never-Unread discloses the gory details of an Oregon woman on a legal warpath after biting into a person’s tooth while eating a bag of cheese puffs from the Dollar Tree:
“She seeks up to $9,000 for pain, distress and ‘revulsion,'” and “another $626 to cover dental and medical expenses.”
Possible counter claim — The tooth was intentionally added for extra calcium?
Not likely. But after my own gag reflex wore off, I had to wonder: When you cut costs to such a degree as are done at extreme discount dollar stores, do you inevitably sacrifice quality? And, in some cases, federal health codes?
I went straight to the source to find out: The nearest Dollar Tree to my house. And the answer is YES … and no.
Understand, every single product sold in the Dollar Tree, unlike other similarly named concession stores, costs exactly ONE, uno, single, solitary dollar.
You absolutely can and will make out like a bandit on basic items priced 5 times as much at other retail chains. Think: hardcover books, DVDs, batteries, scented candles, toilet paper, picture frames, cleaning products and enough tiki-themed party favors to fill the set of Magnum P.I. It’s more than enough to make you feel like a total pansy paying full price for these items up till now.
But on the other side of the Sacagawea dollar coin is mental therapy, legal fees, vaginal reconstructive surgery, bail money, your pet’s life … heck, your life.
So here they are, the top 10 most questionable things for $1:
1. Prescription reading glasses
They look like normal glasses. They feel like normal glasses. But when I tried on three pairs of my actual prescription, I thought I was having a stroke. Read the fine print (using a different pair you didn’t buy at the Dollar Tree): “May Not Magnify Fine Print.”
2. Off-brand cereals
So, is the marketing team for these generic products made up of Fraggles or something? Cases in point: Frosted Mini Spooners, Fiddle Faddle, Tootie Fruities, and my personal favorite Honey Nut Scooters, a word no pet owner would ever find appetizing!
3. Potted meat
It does not come in a pot but rather a small, tin can with an indeterminate expiration date. Maybe it tastes like chicken?
4. Disposable douche
Call me uptight but I’m not putting anything in my lady parts that has the word “Fragrance” listed as an active ingredient. Why so solemn woman on the front of the box? Is it maybe because your honey pot has gone numb?
5. Natureplex Warm Touch Warming Jelly
Not for your PB&J, folks. This here is to spread on your grown-up, pleasure-seeking regions. Personally, I go ice cold at the words “warm touch warming.”
6. New Choice At Home Drug Test Marijuana
What goes hand-in-hand with personal lubricants but an at home drug test. This is your classic pee-in-a-cup, insert stick, and wait five minutes for results. I went ahead and tested it out on myself, being that the closest thing I’ve come to ingesting a schedule 1 drug in the last year was a poppy-seed bagel.
Result 1: Invalid. Try again …
Result 2: Invalid.
7. New Choice Ovulation Predictor
I’m pretty sure you’d have better luck timing your periods by your Hay Day crop cycles.
8. New Choice Pregnancy Test
I like to call this EPT, or Error Promise Test. Again, I did some Gonzo journalism here and took it myself, twice. Again, there could only be one valid result, being that the most action I’ve gotten in the past month is with my bicycle seat.
Result 1: Invalid. Try again …
Result 2: Invisible.
9. Cooper’s Drop Dead Flea & Tick Killer
Well, now I know what happened to Cujo. Says the product label:
“For use on dogs and premises. Application prohibited directly into sewers or drains or to any area like a gutter where drainage to sewers, storm drains, water bodies or aquatic habitats may occur. Vacate room after treatment and ventilate before reoccupying.”
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10. SMB Brake Fluid
Um … seriously? AND the same goes for a mini Window & Door Alarm that reads:
“This device must accept any interference received including interference that may cause undesired operation.”
Final bill: $13.87.
So is it worth it? Although there are so many questionable items for only $1, there are also a few great finds. Remember they have cheap cleaning supplies? Let’s not forget these great piggy scrub brushes: