So this is cool. Planet of the Apes is coming to fruition right in front of our eyes. Based on the ease with which this chimpanzee uses a smartphone it’s only a matter of time before we’re dodging missiles and explosive shells being fired from chimp-piloted drones as the apes complete their conquest of Earth.
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While we were getting weak and fat and lazy the apes spent millennia getting swole enough to literally rip our faces off while still retaining the ability to use tools. They played the long game and it’s clear now that they’re going to win. Just look at this chimp use Instagram.
Here’s the video, from the (extremely fitting) Instagram account @therealtarzann, which is run by animal conservationist Mike Holston.
That’s genuinely stunning. The chimp is just… using the phone. Usually, when you see people standing around the chimpanzee cages at the zoo they go nuts watching a chimp use even the crudest of tools.
“Look, honey! The monkey is using that stick to hit that other stick with. Awww, he made himself a little stick hitter. They’re just like us!”
What’s your reaction to a chimp straight up using an iPhone then? A literal head explosion? There may be an aneurysm epidemic by nightfall. We all should’ve known how overrated we are. We as in, “humans”, that is. We have nothing left to offer.
So what now? Kill them before they kill us? Pray for mercy from our future ape overlords? Let’s just hope they don’t have a chat with pigs and chickens before their uprising. Maybe this is an overreaction but should we nuke the jungle now? It sounds insane but it feels right. These are crazy times now. Who’s to say what right and wrong even is?
This story was originally published April 25, 2019.