Seagulls are flying beach rats. Full stop. If there was ever an animal to rise up against humanity, it wouldn’t be apes, or spiders, or dolphins. It’d be these sky vermin, with their dead black eyes and bottomless appetites. They’d eat our flesh. Our livers. Our very bones. They’re feathered locusts. It should be legal to take a flamethrower to the beach with you and incinerate any seagull that gets within five feet of you, so thoroughly that the sand beneath its disgusting feet turns to glass.
One toddler learned about seagulls the hard way, and it was all captured on video. Don’t worry, a flock of seagulls didn’t swarm the boy and consume him until there was nothing left (this time!). They just stole his cookie.
Toddler’s Cookie Gets Snatched by Seagull
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TikTok user @lilwavve posted the video his account, showing the wee lad’s cookie get robbed from right out of his hand, and then the kid rightfully running away after realizing that he was surrounded by dozens of bloodthirsty dinosaurs.
A Few Stray Observations:
1. Was this staged? Everything on TikTok feels staged.
2. If this was staged, c’mon man. Don’t let filthy animals touch your kid so you can views on social media. That seagull probably spent its morning eating expired raw chicken out of a dirty diaper. Its nest is probably in the urinal of an abandoned public restroom whose roof has a hole in it. You might as well have had a hobo cough some coronavirus into your kid’s mouth. Gross.
3. Re: my flamethrower idea, you should also be allowed to bring baseball bats and tennis racquets to the beach and take free swings at these little bastards if they come flying at you. That’d be every bit as fun as beach wiffleball. Whatever PETA, I don’t care. Seagulls are, quite literally, trash.
Editor’s note: This article was originally published on March 12, 2020.