Bay City, Michigan fifth-grader Dylan Paul of All Saints Elementary thwarted a homicidal muffin and saved his computer teacher’s life by thinking quickly and administering the Heimlich maneuver when he saw that said teacher, Karen Renko, was choking on her breakfast cake.
Paul was in the computer lab with his class when Renko began to choke on her muffin. He noticed the teacher giving the universal sign for choking and, through an enormous feat of strength, tore himself away from his screen long enough to administer the Heimlich maneuver and dislodge the muffin from the teacher’s throat.
A seemingly nice kid, the sort who’d take a bullet for a friend… in Fortnite, it probably didn’t even cross Paul’s mind to start negotiating for a better grade and all sorts of other stuff before agreeing to save his teacher’s life. But he should’ve.
“Listen up, teach. Way I see it, you got two options right now. Either your loved ones get the tragic call that you were naturally selected by a baked good or you guarantee me an A+ so can I spend the rest of the semester watching YouTube videos, playing Battle Royales, and Googling the word boobs. Oh, and when I turn, let’s say, 16, you gotta start buying me booze. Anything I want. As much as I want. And if you try to trick me by handing me a case of O’Doul’s I will hit you with the car I’ll have by then and put you in the ground just like this Muffin tried to. You get me? Cool.”
But Paul just decided to be a good kid about it. Fine. It’s your call, pal. The school’s principal was certainly proud of Paul, not only for his heroic quick thinking but also probably low key for saving her from a mountain of paperwork.
Good work kid.