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Attack Squirrel Meth Limestone County Sheriff’s Office
Limestone County Sheriff’s Office

An Alabama man allegedly devised a new, outside the box means of self-defense, should anyone come after him. Channeling some sort of trailer park Looney Tune, according to police, 35-year-old Mickey Paulk kept a pet squirrel that he fed meth in order to turn it from just your average, skittish tree rodent into an instrument of death.

So, being the protectors of their community, the police raided what they believed to be his apartment. (Because having a pet squirrel is illegal and obviously the police needed to end this grievous crime doing as soon as possible.) They didn’t find Paulk, however, because he doesn’t live there anymore. Instead they found 37-year-old Ronnie Reynolds and enough meth to make the place look like redneck Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. So they arrested Reynolds instead.

And really, how could the authorities not act on the news that a local man was raising an attack squirrel? The danger that represents to the public is incalculable. A meth’d out squirrel could gnaw through a dozen throats before the police would even be able to respond. And the thing is so small and fast that it’d be nearly impossible to shoot. If that thing got loose and went on a rampage you’d basically have to evacuate the town and firebomb it.

Not a squirrel, but this feels relevant.

Paulk, upset that the police raided where they believed he lived over the totally legit and not at all sketchy excuse that he was keeping an “attack squirrel” that he fed meth in his apartment, took to Facebook to share his frustrations. (And to show off his normal, non-killer squirrel.)

So there you have it. At not point was Paulk planning on unleashing a tiny, ferocious evil critten upon the world. Glad we all got that figured out.

Watch: 6 TIPS THAT WILL GET YOU READY FOR EARLY SQUIRREL SEASON

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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