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Houston Masturbating Cyclist KHOU11

A grandmother on the south side of Houston had her day pretty thoroughly ruined while walking through her front yard to take out the trash when a cyclist — in the loosest possible sense of the term, this guy wasn’t exactly tracking his times on a Fitbit — who was riding down the street and openly masturbating stopped in front of her home on the 6600 block of Cheerydale Drive. To masturbate.

The grandmother, upon staring down a sex criminal who was acting with a reckless abandon, reacted accordingly and immediately ran inside screaming as the man followed masturbatingly behind her. She was able to shut the door and lock him out, but the cyclist, who was still masturbating (because you’ve got to keep your heart rate up somehow), continued to attempt to get in. The grandmother, whose 14-year-old granddaughter was also in the house, warned the man several times that she would shoot him if he didn’t leave her property, but the man was pretty clearly committed to perpetrating a horrible crime at this point.

Left with no choice the grandmother fired a round through her door, hitting the man in the chest. The man then fled the property, got back on his bike, and attempted to ride away. Lightheaded from maybe all the masturbating but probably his chest wound, the man collapsed and fell off of his bike, ending that day’s Tour de Fap stage.

Police have said they arrested the same man last week for walking naked down nearby Bellfort Street. At the time of the assault, the man was out on bond from that previous incident.

They should maybe set a higher bond this time.

Kudos to the grandmother for her bravery and quick thinking with a young girl in the house and a lunatic attempted rapist beating on the door.

Watch: Top 6 Self-Defense Handguns For Women

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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