A 13-year-old boy from El Paso, Texas, consumed by his thirst, turned off his house’s wifi to shut off the security cameras, stole his mom’s brand new BMW, and attempted to take a joyride to his girlfriend’s house, no doubt with visions of second base and squeezers dancing in his head. Unfortunately for Aaron Martinez, he was quickly tracked down by his mother, who was so livid she was basically a lit stick of dynamite behind the wheel of a car.
Aaron’s big sister, Liza Campero, tweets viral videos of the whole ordeal on social media under her Twitter name “Lizaconda”, including the moment her mom finds her 13-year-old son driving down the road, forces him to pull over to the side of the road with the power of her furious screams, and then jumps out of the car to go beat him with a belt.
There’s no way Aaron isn’t grounded until the start of 2019. Not just grounded but in some sort of suburban solitary confinement. With no conjugal visits with Fortnite (or his girlfriend). His excuse for stealing his mom’s brand new expensive car and driving it in real traffic despite being too young to drive was so that he could go have underage relations. That’s like taking money out of the church collection basket to pay for cocaine and hookers. It’s doing a bad thing to facilitate doing a different bad thing.
Hormones aren’t fair. They make you actually insane. Like, “Masturbating at this funeral isn’t off the table” insane. Once they kick in the reason drains out of you faster than… everything else hormones make you leak. If a criminal can plead temporary insanity for committing a crime while on hard drugs that they took by choice you’d think a kid could plead it to their parents for having crazy injected straight into their veins without their choosing.
The mom won’t care though. She’s not going to sympathize. She’s going to werewolf the kid. Lock him in his room until this is all over. That’s probably the right call.
Editor’s note: This article was originally published on October 17, 2018.