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Starbucks Porn Wifi Wikimedia

Starbucks, a coffee establishment that’s basically the urban equivalent of a highway rest stop, has decided that, as a brand, it’s apparently too good to let people use their stores’ wifi to watch hard-core pornography. But they don’t stop there. They don’t even want you watching softcore stuff like Skinemax. Or harmless foot fetish vids that don’t even show any sex. Just feet, stomping on eggs and baby mice or whatever. (It’s a pretty loose definition of explicit content if you ask me. Bet they don’t have a problem with streaming Game of Thrones, though.)

“You wanna watch porn on a restaurant’s public wifi network? Then you go to McDonald’s,” Starbucks did not say but definitely implied.

Starbucks claimed that logging onto porn sites in their stores and on their public wifi was already against company policy, but apparently and, really, unsurprisingly, it was enough of an issue that an actual advocacy group got involved.

The real news here is that there are advocacy groups for not watching porn in public, apparently? Keep your beliefs off my free wifi! You’re never going to see me on one of those mailing lists. What a man does in his own car within range of a Starbucks’ store wifi so that he doesn’t go over his data limit is his own business.

The internet safety advocacy group “Enough is Enough” has apparently been running an “anti-watching porn at Starbucks” campaign aimed for years. (Imagining Enough is Enough CEO Donna Rice Hughes standing at the head of a table in a war room trying to figure out how to keep pervs from watching porn on Starbucks wifi is an objectively hilarious image, by the way.) Use of Starbucks wifi for porn is apparently enough of a problem that an online petition started by Enough is Enough garnered some 26,000 signatures.

In response, Starbucks has said that the public wifi services at its U.S. locations will block all pornography starting next year, though they didn’t actually provide any details on how they were going to keep nips and tips and other egregious content off their networks.

The coffee chain’s new anti-pornography campaign may keep explicit material off its wifi, but as long as their bathrooms are open for anyone to use at any time, what the hobos are doing to each other in there is going to make viewing porn on RedTube look like playing a VeggieTales DVD.

Watch: Hack Your Fraps: 23 Starbucks Secret Drinks from Butterbeer to S’mores

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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